Oh Please.

     I'm weird.  That, we've established.  Just the same, allow me to share with you that my summer quest is going less than ideal.  To recap, I am looking for a great summer read that is comic, steamy, lusty, and fun.  If a mystery ties in, all the better.  Am I expecting too much?

      It's all bullshit.  (Shocker- yea, I broke my rule, but it's my rule- so deal).   I'm tired of biographies.  As for the autobiographies; get over yourself; please.  Also, if you've been around for a bit at Sadie's Gathering, you know I'm a happy book/movie kinda girl.  That rules out all the "Great Summer Reads" that have death; impending death; or, death of a loved one years ago, that still haunts the main characters, as its central theme and plot.  This aspect of my quest rules out, The Fault Is In Our Stars, and many more.  Come on... death is part of everyday- yes; but I do not want it in my entertainment, unless it's in a detective story such as Murder On Orient Express.   Great book, but not that funny.  A posthumous apology goes out to Dame Christie.
     For the lusty, steamy part, I know there are plenty.  However, some of them just flat out lose me by the time I finish reading the synopsis.  For example: the twosome in 50 Shades of Grey,  Ana and Christian.  A virgin and a "troubled rich guy".  What a nice couple!  From all I have heard, it's a Beauty and The Beast for grown ups.  Now, we know that's a fairy tale.  Right?  I have even told my girls that in life, usually no matter how much love you give, a beast usually stays a beast.  Just sayin'.   From what I hear, Ana and Christian end up married, and have baby by the end of the series.  Oh please.  I remember when I was young and single, I observed that a lot of the good ones were taken;  but so were a lot of the nut jobs.   Hope Ana enjoys being the submissive, when the baby wakes up 5 times a night.  Good luck with that settling for the first guy who pulled your chain.  Then we have Gone Girl, about a marriage that is less than, "happily ever after".  Go figure.  Along with Gone Girl, there is Ladie's Night and The Last Original Wife, if the marriage gone wrong theme is what you seek.   The Engagements, while intriguing, seems to be a bit more of a historical theme than I am looking for, and not too comic.
      Sisterland, Fin & Lady, The Smart One, Ten Things I've Learnt About Love, and  Island Girls are all among Barnes & Noble's Summer Hits list.  They also all have a family theme; thus a deep, issue laden story line that doesn't quite suit my summer quest wish for light and fun read.  Although, I am certain if I wasn't so shallow, they would force me to examine my heart, soul, and past;  and encourage me to change my life, before it's all too late.  Sigh.
     While trying to find my grail, I searched Amazon, and Barnes & Noble's site. Through both I was made aware of the prevalence of solely digital books.  Tough luck for me, as I do not own, nor do I want a Nook, Kindle or anything of the sort.   I'll no doubt go into it some day, but today is not that day.   I also discovered that you can't easily cross reference qualities that you are looking for in a book.  While on B&N's site, I typed in humorous mystery and humorous romance.   On B&N, it gives you the option "Hardcover".  I assumed this was how to select, if like me, you prefer an actual, non digital book.  Do you know what #4 and #5 of the suggestions that came up for "humorous, mystery, hardcover" were?  Children's books, Alphabet Mystery by Audrey Wood and Betty G. Birney's,  Mysteries According to Humphrey.  Hmm... don't think so.  Although, I'm sure my 8 year old would enjoy it, as she is a huge Humphrey fan.   The cross reference for humorous romance proved equally frustrating.  Never mind if I did the unthinkable and typed in a query for a humorous, smutty, mystery.  I can only imagine.  Actually I couldn't stand the suspense, so I googled "humorous, smutty, mystery" and the second top finding stated, "Honk if you're wearing a thong."  It was an article by Daily Mail Reporter.  Apparently, a mystery prankster in Maryland had somehow streamed the message onto a digital road sign.  At first the authorities thought that someone had hacked a contractor's sign, but they found out that the sign was privately owned, by an anonymous donor, so initially they couldn't do anything.  Now that's funny.  Since it was in December of 2011, the reporter surmised the prankster may find himself on Santa's naughty list. 
     Alas, it does not look as though my quest for a mysterious, comic, smutty, fun, summer read will be discovered.  Again, if anyone has a suggestion, I would love to hear it.  My ever patient and supportive husband suggested that since I could not find such a book, perhaps I should write it.  There's a thought.  We'll see.
     I will eventually pick up Dan Brown's latest, The Inferno.  However, unless Robert Langdon has done a 180, little chance of the humor or the smut factor there.  I am looking forward to the next Richard Castle book, Deadly Heat, which always are good fun reads; and have a little steam action as well.  Also, coming out this fall is John Grisham's Sycamore Row- a sequel to A Time To Kill!
     So all is not lost.  Autumn will be here before you know it, and there's nothing like curling up with a good book in front of the fire.  Good reading to all!